Having realised the importance of emotional skills, the next question is how to improve them. This is a vast topic and requires a lot more than a single session to explore. In this session you will be introduced to several useful techniques that can get you to become more empathic which is a great way to show that you care, make you an important node in the trust and communications webs. 

By showing empathy to others, you increase the chances of getting them to trust you. Empathy starts at a really young age when children simply imitate feelings. For example, a young child may cry when another child is hurt not realising that it is not them who hurt. This initial feeling of mirroring becomes more mature later as the children grow and understand the difference between their own pain and others. The core technique of mirroring other’s feeling is still quite powerful on others and can be used to show empathy with great effect.

Empathy is the ability to place yourself in the position of another. Empathy is not necessarily about showing compassion, it is about “feeling into” the other person.

Empathy and sympathy can be confused easily. Sympathy is defined as “feeling with” while empathy is “feeling into”. Example: Your close friend has just had an accident and is in hospital with a broken leg. She has been complaining about the pain from her injury. You can sympathise or empathise in the following ways:

• Sympathy.
  • “I know it hurts. Remember when I broke my nail a couple of month ago? That was painful.”
• Empathy.
  • “You are in pain and you want it to go away. It is difficult. Where does it hurt? What should be done to ease the pain?”

As you can see, the key to empathic communication is that there is no “I” in it. The first response appears harsh. Most people will not be impressed by this! In the sympathy example you are drawing up from an unrelated experience and are putting yourself in the situation with negative consequences. The empathic approach is much better as you have tried to understand the pain and are there to help and understand.

In short, follow these guidelines to express empathy:

• Do
  • Listen and acknowledge
  • Mirror feelings and sentences
  • Mirror body language and facial expressions
  • Use coaching style questions to probe for more detail and help the other person to do self-examination through answering your carefully selected questions.
  • Act like a mirror, reflecting what the other person is saying
• Don’t
  • Don’t bring your own experience or ideas to draw from. Instead, focus on the other person.
  • Don’t assert your own opinion
  • Don’t use “I” in your statements. Put the perspective on the other person.
  • Don’t automatically agree to every opinion as if you are trying to show empathy. Show your understanding not just agreement.
  • Don’t dismiss the speaker’s feeling by saying things like “It is not that bad”
  • Don’t interrupt